Monday
I didnt get any sleep last night. I saw bloody weird things though (alcohol withdrawal), at one point I imagined I saw a spirit in my aquarium!? And boy I felt close to a breakdown. All for what? That dreadful curse of mine: booze. Still life isn't peachy, I'll have to dust myself down and simply try again. I do want (and need) sobriety and ive tried to quit on my own. Ive had family and friends try keeping me dry, even had people who were like me in rehab and none have worked or been remotely successful. So I spoke to God this afternoon. After reading up on Buddha (sorry Big Guy) can a man have two Gods? "Have no God before me" says God but Buddha I read didnt claim to be a God, he just wanted enlightenment. Buddhism suits me fine, it simply tells one to not worry about past or future and be nice to folk (good karma), plus they tell you not to use alcohol, drugs etc which I need.
Lunch was two plaice fillets and bread. Finished my writing and fired up the Playstation while preparing a bath. I still have a dizzy head and at times felt quite 'mad'. I enjoy radio as most mad folks seem to haha. Got washed and had a cup of tea at 9pm. Didn't get cigarettes, it would have shaken me to leave the house. Would be the perfect time to quit smoking if I wanted but I don't. I smoked the one ciggie that I did have then crawled the ashtray. Nothing but I found 4 biggish butts in a carrier bag and smoked those, dragging heavily. Whe you have the shakes a cigarette is dandy. Around 10pm it felt like my mind was going to snap a few times, it was awful.
I hate alcohol, (its more love/hate) but I don't want the bitch back. Ate fishfingers and bread plus 2 pork sarnies with crisps. Went to sleep around 1:40am but it was frightening what with a tidy dollop of paranoia and crazy visions behind eyelids.
** Zero Booze **
Entries from the 1998 ~ 2005 diaries of poet Steven Francis. Might sting some but nothing is fabricated or exaggerated.
